Update...

I saw my palliative care doctor today, and I have a few prayer points and reflections from that. It has been quite draining just going in and out of hospital and I remain hopeful there are not more unexpected hospital visits. It was certainly easier to prepare myself and the family for the brain surgery because we knew not only what was happening but how long I was likely to stay in hospital and how long the recovery would take. 

Next week, I’m seeing most of my Doctors and having some scans, so my prayer is that I will again have a clearer picture of what the next few months will look like.

In terms of prayer, the last few months I have discovered my memory is not as good as it was, and its certainly confronting being told stuff you have absolutely no recollection of. It is confronting realising that being alone with me is not among the safer places for my children and I know I’m not the man, husband and father I want to me because of my disease, the drugs and the interplay between the two. I certainly find that hard.

I know that in the midst of this, I serve a God who is faithful and true, who is love, and His love for each of us, led Him to Calvary.

In him, I have redemption and strength. In you, your love and prayers I also have strength. I honestly don’t know how far along this road I would have gone without my family and friends (without you – without your prayers and practical support).

Please keep praying, and I will give another update next week with what, God-willing, will be a clearer picture of my treatment and my prognosis.

What I've been into October

Wow, I’m back to writing other post on what I’ve been into this month. Given that I spent two full weeks in hospital I have been able to get a little more reading done than usual.

The highlight for the month was Leigh Sales ‘Any Ordinary Day’ it certainly gave me a lot to think about around the topic of resilience and dealing with adversity.

Other books I’ve read – Carly Gelsinger on her Christian upbringing and how toxic Christianity can be; Boys will be Boys by Clementine Ford – really thought provoking book about raising boys. I also finished Gillian Triggs memoir. Both Carly and Clementine's books left me unsettled in how both revealed so much about me that I don't (and didn't) like. I'm certainly not the fundamentalist teenager I was, and I'm so thankful to God for that. I know as a father of two children I'm playing such a significant role in shaping how they understand themselves, their identity and the world in which they live. I think I want to equip them to ask questions, not to have down-pat answers. 

I’m now working my way through Geraint Thomas book - The World of Cycling According to G. Geraint is a cyclist – I don’t know much about either Geraint or cycling as a sport (though I certainly understand its appeal) – so it has been making for interesting reading.

Onto the music front. During my last stay in hospital, I decided to work on a few playlists. The first was focused around some of the music I listened to while I was in high school (excluding U2 and R.E.M.) I was inspired seeing a list of nominees for entry into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – Def Leppard was up so I decided to start the playlist with them, and other rock bands I was introduced to while I was at school, which aren't necessarily household names like Mr Big, Living Colour, Extreme and Dream Theatre, so I labelled the list Rediscoveries. 

I expanded it out to included other bands I was listening to in 1991-92 like Genesis (We Can't Dance), Scorpions (Crazy World), Metallica (Metallica), Phil Collins (Both Sides of the Story) and some of the one hit wonders from the year like Ugly Kid Joe. Funnily enough a few of these bands, Def Leppard, Scorpions, Bon Jovi and Phil Collins are all due to tour our shores over the next few months.

The other playlist I decided to try my hand at creating featured Australia and New Zealand music. I do have to admit I was a little less happy with it because it is a little light on the New Zealand front and I’m not happy with the female artist representation, so will work on fixing that. Maybe with Australia claiming a lot of successful Kiwi’s as theirs I have more New Zealand representation than I think.

Under the Radar have updated their playlist on Spotify so I will check out that too as its been a great way of finding new Christian music.

I'm a great fan of Spotify. It made it easy to compile the playlists and listen to them while I'm on the go. 

Onto TV. Not a lot here  I’ve been watching a little bit more of Suits, and have been appreciating it as I go. 

I generally spend a more time watching kids TV mostly Lego – Ninjago and True and the Rainbow Kingdom,  Both shows are fascinating and frustrating at the same time. Particularly in the light of the messages they send young boys and girls.

I've just started trying to rewatch News Room as well. 

Sporting shorts

So, I thought I'd take some time to write a little on sport for the week.

Cricket

• Australia's series against Pakistan finished with one of Australia's heaviest defeats in terms of runs (373). I didn't realise at the time but of the team that won the Ashes against England the only players likely to face India are Lyon, Starc, Paine. There's question marks over the Marsh brothers and Khawaja now sadly injured. I might be wrong, but I feel Maxwell has to be a chance. The Marsh brothers did play well in the Ashes so maybe the selectors should stick with them. It will be interesting to see who they go with for the first test against India which starts on December 6. 
• Before then Australia's Men's team has T20 Internationals against UAE, Pakistan, South Africa and India, and the Women have their own T20 World Cup coming up soon.

World Series

• The World Series starts soon and will feature the Boston Red Sox and Los Angeles Dodgers. Should be quite an interesting series.

Other

• Great to see Wimbledon change the rules and move to a tie-breaker rather than advantage at 12-12 in the fifth set. It will be interesting to see if the Australian and French Open decide to follow suit.  
• The Australian Basketball and Football (Soccer) season started over the weekend. Feel it is hard for those sports because people who love Soccer and Basketball tend to follow the US (Basketball) or European (Soccer) competitions instead of the local game.  It did not escape my attention that the Wellington Phoenix started their season with a win :)

Boys will be boys - Clementine Ford

Just finished reading Clementine Ford’s ‘Boys will be Boys’, it certainly wasn’t an easy read. It’s certainly left me a little emotional and unsettled once I finished. It’s in part because I know what Clementine writes about the lived experience of women in our society scratches the surface of reality, and that anyone could be subjected to what women and girls are subject to is difficult to deal with. Secondly as a father of both a boy and girl the reality of my responsibility and weight of my failings has really hit me.

The book also touches on domestic labour and the mental load of running a house, and while I feel I could fairly say I carry my weight in terms of domestic labour, it would be fair to say I don’t do my fair share in terms of carrying the mental load of running our household.

The book talks a little about stereotypes and how we socialise boys and girls differently. I want my son to know its okay to be sensitive, it is okay to cry, gentleness is appropriate and not weak. Likewise, I want my daughter to chase her dreams – whatever they are. I want her to be free to assert her opinion without being labelled bossy or coping abuse.

I’ve quite often flipped pronouns as I’ve been reading books to the kids, and It is difficult finding good books and TV shows to show the kids in terms of gender representation. The way women are portrayed in film is concerning to me. How women are represented on TV matters.

I’m longing for more stories written by women, featuring well developed female characters that aren’t simply a love interest or tack-on.

I found the section about ‘rape’ the most confronting. I’ve started trying to teach my kids about consent now and will continue to do that as they grow.

I think what I have found confronting about the book is that I’ve been reminded that the standard I walk past is the standard I accept. I need to acknowledge how is the past I’ve stayed silent when I should have called out sexist behaviour. I also know that I haven’t always given my son a great example of how to treat women.

I’m thankful to Clementine Ford for writing the book. The letter she writes to her son to conclude is beautiful and captures many of the things I need to understand and pass on to my son.

Yes, I would recommend that all men, fathers read this book. Like I said it won't be an easy read, but I think it is an important read.

On Christian music

Just finished listening to an interesting podcast, focusing on the question of the 'best year' for Christian music. The answer offered by the podcast is 1998 (for a list of reasons see here).

Personally, I find it hard to disagree. At the time I was working out the sort of music I wanted to listen to and 1998 offered such a broad range of artists across different styles of music especially Christian music,

Many of the artists I listened to then I'm still listening to now. Artists like The Normals (and their lead singer Andrew Osenga), Jars of Clay, Nichole Nordeman, Sarah Masen and Jennifer Knapp.

That said, I'm a huge fan of the independent Christian music scene now. There are so many great independent Christian artists.

I love how with platforms like Kickstarter and Pledgemusic you can support them, with platforms like facebook and twitter you can interact and communicate with them.

Follow the leader ....

As I mentioned in my last blog post I was going to look at reading Laura Tingle’s Quarterly Essay on Leadership next. I’ve now done that. It is quite an interesting read. It certainly makes me reflect on the absence of political leadership in our country. I look at both our major parties and I see no vision for what Australia can or should be. To me, Abbott was defined by what he was against, Turnbull never fought for his beliefs but yielded ground on everything and it isn’t really fair to judge Morrison yet, but I’m not hearing a narrative from him about what he believes Australia can (or should) be, so I will be listening out for that  as we get closer to our election. What I’m yearning for is big ideas about where we should be going as a nation, new ways to handle complex issues like immigration and refugees and taking some steps on improving how we treat our first peoples.

I certainly agree with Tingle that we haven’t seen a Prime Minister guide and lead a discussion on a difficult and complex policy issue we face. We need a Prime Minister who makes it their role to reshape and recast how political discussions happen. To me it seems Howard was the last Prime Minister who embraced tough reform and sought to explain it to the electorate.

The essay also talks about Obama, Merkel Marcon and Trump and how they differ from what we’ve seen in Australia to date. She talks about how Merkel leads from ‘behind’, waiting to the last moment to communicate her position and decision, for Marcon is about creating a new grand narrative, giving people direction and vision. The interesting point she makes about Obama is did he use his oratory ability to persuade, lead or drive change in the electorate. The danger of Trump is that when he’s criticised he doubles down on his position and creates a twitter-storm. He appears unwilling to listen to advice.  

I would encourage you to read the essay and think about the sort of leadership you want, then let that influence your political action, beginning with your vote.

On the reading table..

Decided to take some to write a little about what I've been reading.  As I mentioned I had been working my way through Gillian Triggs' memior 'Speaking Up', which to be fair is as much about Gender and Human Rights in Australia (perhaps focused on the rights of refugees and our first peoples) as it is about Trigg's and her career. 

One of the issues she touches on is quotas. Its hard not to see a value in quotas and the change that representation in parliament will make. I certainly believe you can't be, what you can't see.

Was intrigued as I read to see how Australia's attitude to human rights and our obligations has seemingly changed from being involved in drafting these documents, and leading these discussions to evading the obligations contained in both the letter and spirit of the documents in question.

I am also reminded of how progressive NZ is, and that I'd like to see Australia take a leaf or three out of NZ's book particularly when it comes to indigenous rights and recognition within parliament and broader society. Both major parties are failing the leadership test in terms of pushing or driving change in terms of indigenous rights, rights of the refugee.

Her chapter about Adam Goodes and the abuse he copped is also well worth the read. Adam Goodes treatment is a black spot in our history. We can and must do better when it comes to how we treat indigenous people, and particularly indigenous people who decide to speak up and out about their treatment.

The book didn't really address the question, but I do wonder what she is doing now. I'm certainly thankful for her work and believe that our Liberal Government has treated her appallingly.

Given the enforced time in bed I have also been able to read Yuval Noah Harari's 21 Lessons for the 21st Century. I didn't know much about the author prior to starting to read the book. It was a really fascinating look at what the future may hold.

I found the chapters on God and religion to be interesting while I didn't completely agree with them I do think religion does face a battle for relevance in its future. I certainly think religion is relevant and has an important role in shaping both individuals and society it appears this is a less common thought than it used to be.

Harari certainly made me think about a range of social issues and the impact they may have on us as people and societies. Well worth a read.

Next on my list is Laura Tingle's Quarterly Essay on Leadership which is now relevant again with Australia having a 'new Prime Minister'. Questions about leadership will certainly be on my mind as we approach the election next year. To me, Australia is crying out for real leadership and I don't think I see genuine leadership in either Scott Morrison or Bill Shorten.

Sporting shorts

The final weekend of the Rugby Championship was a story of comebacks – the All Blacks trailed South Africa 13-31 before coming back to win, the Wallabies trailed Argentina 7-31 at half time.

The Spring tour at the end of next month will be interesting, but its really next year - the World Cup year that matters. 

The International Cricket Season started this week too with the New Zealand Women’s team just swept by the Southern Stars in their three-game Twenty-20 Series. I didn’t look at the scores but its fair to say NZ left their best cricket at home and put in three disappointing performances. 

I know I had similar thoughts to this last year, but it seems tougher writing about the sport during the off season of the AFL and Rugby League. 

That's not to say I'm not following a bit of sport at the moment. I’m keeping tabs on Cricket, Baseball, Basketball, the NFL. Given ESPN is part of Optus’ Fetch TV package I’m able to see a little bit more live coverage some American sport. The NBA starts in another 10 days and at this stage I find it hard to go past Golden State Warriors to win, the NFL is now four games into their season and I just don't know enough to predict a winner. 

New to Optus for the 2018/19 season is European Soccer, which is perhaps a touch surprising given their World Cup disaster earlier in the year. I don't mind the surprise as it was so great to see Arsenal's Europa League tie. 

It is quite a big year for European Soccer with a new tournament being added. The UEFA Nations League is a European competition with matches being held during the ‘international windows’ when ‘friendlies’ were usually played. (Read more about the tournament here). 

With ‘American’ sport – In most of the codes it’s an appreciation of the contest without loyalty to a team or player. There’s certainly something enjoyable about being able to watch a game without having a vested interest in the outcome. Though, that said, I did decided to follow the Toronto Blue Jays baseball team and probably have cost them any chance of success in the near future ;)

One strange thing about American sport is the fact that franchises can move cities. Still seems sad to me that Seattle don't have a basketball team based in their city.

The one thing I would like transplant from the US is a rotating city hosting the Championship game. In thinking about both AFL and NRL, I can certainly see Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Perth and Sydney all hosting the Grand Finals. 

I think it would certainly broaden the appeal of the game, and I prefer that than to move towards a best of three final series which has been talked about in relationship to the AFL.

All that said, I think you can expect some irregular posts on the European Soccer, especially the continental competitions where you find Football's best players. I might post a little more about the World Series and Superbowl but we'll see. 

Any Ordinary Day – Leigh Sales.

So, after going to the Leigh Sales talk about her book earlier in the week, I finally finished reading it. It’s just a wonderfully written book. I have an immense amount of respect for Leigh in terms of the work she does on the 7.30 report. She’s certainly one of the many reasons I respect and trust the work of the ABC.

Leigh’s professionalism is clear for all to see in how open and candidly she discusses some of the mistakes she has made in her career.

The book is an open and honest look at how people cope when their lives are turned upside down when life throws you a 'curveball'. Can help but say I'd been very interested in reading some of the academic papers she came across in preparing the book. 

I wasn’t really expecting a big or detailed conversation about religion in the book, but that came out clearly, particularly in the interviews with Michael Spence and Louise Hope. Lousie Hope who was one of the many held captive during the Lindt Coffee shop siege during 2014. 

Michael Spence is the Chancellor of Sydney University and his wife died suddenly from cancer. The Spence family are deeply religious and there was a lot which resonated from their comments about their experiences.

The section which perhaps caught me the most by surprise was Sales discussion with former Prime Minister John Howard. Howard ]created a reputation for himself as 'mourner in chief'. He was Prime Minister after Port Arthur (1996), September 11 (2001) and the Bali Bombing (2002). He certainly spoke of our nation’s grief during these times. 

As an aside I do miss a Prime Minister like Howard (or Keating for that matter), where you knew what you were going to get, and they stayed in the job long enough to make a difference. 

In many ways the book tapped into how I’m approaching life with cancer, and how my faith interplays with the fact that I have cancer. The overarching theme I want to have or live by is why not me. Why not me, in the sense of how I can redeem the season I’m in. Thinking about how people find resilience and hope when the world the knew is turned upside down.

What I've been into - September 2018

In terms of what I've been reading, watching and listening to, I shared that in the post about what I did in hospital.  The only couple of things to add was that I've now started reading Leigh Sales book  Any Ordinary Day. In the book Leigh Sales details what happens the day after your life is turned upside down. A lot of publicity on the book talks about Phillip Hughes (a cricketer killed on the field in 2015) and the back stories of the workers caught up in the Lindt Cafe siege. Interwoven with those stories is some of the tragedies from her own life and the story of Stuart Diver.

I was lucky enough to hear her speak about the book at Stanton Library this week. She's such a wonderful engaging speaker and worthwhile listening to. I'm looking forward to getting deeper into the book.  As an aside, I'm certainly going to keep my eyes open to see what other events Stanton Library has on.

Onto the music front. The album I'm really listening to a bit this month is Andrew Osenga's 'The Painted Desert'. Andrew Osenga is one of my favourite singer-songwriters who writes deep, and at times challenging songs. He is one reason that every so often I dream of travelling to Nashville to spend a month just listening to live music.

On to TV, I watched the pilot of '13 Reasons Why' the other day. It is a really interesting looking show and one that I'll look at more deeply soon.

I've kind of covered the other more personal health update here. The only thing to add here is that I'm going to go back onto Chemo in the next few weeks as the last time my lungs were treated was late July. The alternative drug they are thinking about for me is still being cleared for the PBS. A process which seems to take it's time. 

Sporting shorts - No 30.

And with that weekend the football seasons are over. I can't recall what happened, but I didn't end up watching the Rugby League grand final. I had a great afternoon watching the AFL grand final with friends

NRL

• Was great to read that Cronk played in the final
• For me, it is hard not to say the best team on balance through the year won the competition. 
• A massive congrats to the Brisbane Broncos winner of the first Women's competition. 
• I'm really looking forward to the Indigenous v Maori game which will start next year's season. 

AFL

• The loss will hurt Collingwood, they certainly started brilliantly but weren't able to sustain that effort across the four quarters. 
• Luke Shuey was the deserved Norm Smith Medallist. 
• Such a great story too, given West Coast were tipped by most to miss the finals. 

Rugby

• With their win against Argentina, the All Blacks won the championship with a game to go. 
• Australia lost again and have now slipped to 7th in World Rankings. 

That's it for sporting shorts for the year, we'll see what 2019 brings.

'Letting go ... and letting God'

One of the bloggers I’ve been following Addie Zierman has been doing a link up, and the topic has been ‘to let Go, and let God’.

In many ways that’s a phrase I’m trying to adopt on so many different levels. I don’t know a whole lot about the season of life I’m in - I don’t know why I am walking through it, I don’t for how long and how the story ends. 

As an aside If you could tell me, I don’t really know that I would really want you to, I see some positiveness in it just ending without a countdown or fanfare.

I do find a sense of peace in letting go. Letting life take its course. I’ve often said that I want to make the most of the season I am in. I want to be open to be used by God, whatever that looks like. I don’t want to be a prisoner of the disease and its impacts

I guess, ‘letting God’ in the situation I am in, is entrusting my present and future to him. I am not prisoner to anything but praying that God enables me to see both the big and little signs of his grace and activity in my life. I have been trying to think in terms of why not me. How can I use the season I’m in to bring God glory?

I think ‘letting God’ is freeing. Freeing in the sense that we can’t control the outcome, so we don’t think about it, but also freeing me up to think about Him, and living in His world. How can I bring light and life to friends and family now? I guess I see that as not leaving the positive unsaid or undone, taking the time to tell people what I think now.

Letting the fact that God has experienced the darkened valleys shape how I think about the season I’m in. God knows pain, and on top of that pain, sorrow and tears will be dealt with completely. 

Update

It is quite hard to believe, but I’ve now been out of hospital for the longest since I had the tumour removed (in August), and in many ways I’m actually also feeling the best I have post operation. In that light I thought it timely to give a little bit of an update on where things are sitting.

Since the tumour was removed I’ve been in hospital (read ED) each week. The positive point to start with is that the tumour in my brain has been removed and I have had two of five radiotherapy treatments on the area. The scans they have done since my surgery are showing that the swelling is reducing, and it is healing as anticipated. I am having radiotherapy to reduce the likelihood the tumour will come back.

What radiotherapy involves is lying down on the scanning bed, they then affix a mask over my head to assist in keeping me still before administering the dose. I'm blessed I don't reel too claustrophobic when you combine the machine and mask.

The whole process takes about 15-20 minutes to do. The main side-effects is likely tiredness, the impact is cumulative too so once we finish the cycle (8 October) it might be at its worst.

Once the treatment process here is done, we will go back to focusing on the tumours in my lungs. These tumours have been playing up a little and I’ve been experiencing the odd bit of shortness of breath or chest-pain. I’ve been giving medicine to help deal with this too. It is the first time that I’ve really be symptomatic.

The past few weeks have been quite a tough period. It was testing being in and out of hospital, tough for me in terms of re-entering life and conserving my energy. I’m planning to take some time to talk with an Occupational Therapist about energy conversation and what I can do to manage my tiredness better.

My last hospital stay was down to an infection, and they have noted that my right kidney is not draining properly, and a stent needs to be installed to reduce the chance of a future infection. It seems like this would be a day or overnight procedure and timing wise would fit after the radiotherapy, and before I go on new medical to deal with the tumours in my lungs but we're still waiting to find out some details there.

So, I now feel that I know what is happening for the short term.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I know that I’m in the very best hands. I really cannot fault the staff who have treated me; I cannot fault them in terms of their professionalism, courtesy, knowledge and patience. Our medical system certainly isn’t perfect, but I’m comfortable and confident with the people I’ve met across the hospitals and allied health sector.
Beyond that, being known and loved by God who is walking with me and has secured my future is a great source of comfort.